Redemption

The chance to do something differently than we would have before.  This is not the Oxford or Webster dictionary definition but mine.  A definition that, for me, was formed and made true and revealed over the last few weeks.

We all make ruts in our lives and live within them.  There are times we try to get out but usually it is not long before we are back in the same habits and rituals: 4 cups of coffee to start the day when we said we would cut back to one, scanning the front page of the newspaper though we keep saying we are going to read the whole thing (minus the classifieds), purchasing a nice eco-friendly lunch box and then never finding time to make lunch, deciding that the kids need to broaden their vegetable palates and then realizing we just don't have the energy to argue about Brussels sprouts.

For me, redemption is an active choice - a verb if you will - and verbs take energy.  At a time when we are all faced with extreme financial, ecological, emotional and sometimes physical stress, we don't have time to bring new verbs into our lives, we don't have time for redemption.  However, we expect it out of others: the partner who promises to make more time for the relationship, the boss who stated that they would implement changes we offered, the friend who agreed to exercise with us.  Yet, all these people let us down and we are silently angry, disappointed, hurt and are craving their redemption.  Desiring, hoping desperately that they will redeem themselves to us.

What has become crystal clear to me during my emotional journey of late is that redemption must come from within before it can be seen in anyone else.  It is up to me to redeem myself daily.  To chose to make the changes however painful they may be.

Physically, it is excruciating to get up every morning, shower, and get going.  Emotionally, it is extremely challenging to refocus my mind and chose to focus on this moment and tomorrow, not allowing my past memories to dictate my days.

The thought of redemption can conjure up images of one who has done wrong and needs to redeem themselves to be worthy of love, affection, respect - even worth.  However, I am looking at redemption as a chance to break old habits, get out of my personal ruts and allow my whole spirit to shine forth and guide me - versus my ruts to drag me along.

Abraham Verghese said in his book Cutting for Stone "Life, too, is like that.  You live it forward, but understand it backward.  It is only when you stop and look to the rear that you see the corpse caught under your wheel."

This resonated loudly for me when I read it today.  Without the benefit of introspection and retrospection there would be no need for redemption and without redemption there would be no growth, no forward movement, no chances to make a difference - to do it again better.  Redemption is ultimately the flow of life.  In every apology,  in every decision that we make; the alcoholic that chooses not to take that drink, the parent that doesn't yell at their child but patiently explains for the 50th time the situation at hand, the doctor that instead of grabbing the prescription pad and writing away the problem listens and offers a tender ear.
Each moment that we "redeem" ourselves we grow to love ourselves a little more - to like ourselves a little more, to appreciate the great and complicated human, to realize that there is always hope if we are all working toward redemption.  It's in the cars we choose to drive, in the food we choose to purchase from a local farmer, in the way we treat people who are different from ourselves, in the simple acts of offering a please and thank you.

Try living Redemption as a verb for a day.  I would be surprised if you didn't sleep a little better at the end of the day.