Trenches

When you are in the emotional or physical trenches, life switches into survival mode.  Dusting doesn't get done.  Cooking is a necessity that occurs only because you have children.  Emails don't get returned promptly - if at all - and work/volunteering falls to the wayside.  Every molecule of your body spends it's energy on surviving the current minute.  After that minute passes, it does a quick re-evaluation to decide if the next minute is worth living.

I switched into survival mode on March 30th and am just now slowly returning to "normal".  It was not pretty for the last while.  There were many kleenex involved, words that would make a sailor blush, lots of faking in front of my kids to keep their life generally normal, heart palpitations, and painful memories and emotions that I didn't think I could survive.  My friends jumped in and kept me alive. They fed me (literally and spiritually), they gave me shelter, and they never tired of reminding me that I needed to keep going.  They went without sleep, took phone calls at all hours, and kept pushing me when I was resisting.

Survival mode is not pretty.  My every emotion was raw...as if every nerve ending was just hanging outside of my body and constantly getting bumped sending me into never-ending tailspins of emotional and physical pain.  Clinically, I was dealing with post traumatic stress disorder however I think of it as hell.  I did all the things one is supposed to do upon an emotional crash - saw my therapist (numerous times), saw my doctor (numerous times), and trusted friends with my deepest emotions but yet all those things didn't fix "it".  The problem was bigger than myself, my friends, and my team of professionals.  Hurts that occur as children are permanent.  They can scab over, they might even scar but there are moments in our life when those hurts become larger than life.  The hurt takes over and crushes us at our deepest level.

In these moments, I believe that all one can do is use professional resources, grab onto friends, and buckle in because it is going to be a bumpy ride.  Thankfully, I survived the last few weeks and my kids weren't scarred in the process.  In general, they were sheltered other than knowing that I was going through some "tough stuff" and they never seemed worried as they knew I was with friends who they trusted.

If I could offer advice to those who have suffered severe childhood abuse and trauma it would be; find a qualified therapist - someone who specializes in childhood trauma and post traumatic stress disorder, share what is going on with your doctor as emotional pain often manifests itself as physical pain, and to share your life story with a few very trusted friends.  Don't give up.  Call someone at 2 a.m. if you need to.  While you will feel guilty for waking a friend, they would rather you wake them then make a permanent bad choice.  Go to public places even though you just want to stay in bed under the covers.  Getting up, showering, and getting out of the house changes the brain chemistry.  (There are studies on this but at the moment, I am too lazy to look them up but if you are interested, email me.)

It is critical that we have safe spaces to deal with the issues.  Whether that be a friends home, the hospital or public places these all make you less likely to make bad decisions i.e. you probably won't get smashing drunk at the local coffeehouse nor will you choose to overdose while having dinner at a great deli.  Trust me, I have been there and I get it.

I wrote about Redemption last week and am looking forward to "redeeming" myself to my family, my friends, and to myself.  I don't believe I did anything wrong to bring about my crash and am proud that I survived (there were some critical moments).  When, as adults, we are crushed by childhood trauma and it's memories we can't control our emotions very well - if at all.  However, when the crisis abates, we can thank those who held our hands, stayed by our side, and didn't give up when we wanted to.  In that, we redeem ourselves, take back control, and begin to live again.