Love and other drugs...

We watched the movie "Love and Other Drugs" based off of the great reviews we had heard and the plot summary from IMBD.
The plot summary from IMDB:
Maggie (Hathaway) is an alluring free spirit who won't let anyone - or anything - tie her down. But she meets her match in Jamie (Gyllenhaal), whose relentless and nearly infallible charm serve him well with the ladies and in the cutthroat world of pharmaceutical sales. Maggie and Jamie's evolving relationship takes them both by surprise, as they find themselves under the influence of the ultimate drug: love.


Sounds great, right?  Cute, funny, sexy - a nice "date night" movie.  Wrong.  Hathaway has Parkinson's and together they deal with many emotions - anger, helplessness, fear, frustration.  They tackle the big questions that so many of us with chronic illnesses face: What is going to happen when you have to take care of me?  Will you want to?  What if you get tired of it?  What if you leave?  It isn't fair and I want you to be happy so leave now.  I am not worthy in this messed up body to have such a great person give up so much to be with me.


Safe to say, we were both crying at the end but for different reasons.  See, I only see this through the perspective of the person with the illness.  I often wonder if Tim would be better off having a wife who can run around as much as him and do all the things he can - play tennis, play squash, go from 7 a.m. until 2 a.m., attend concerts without getting a headache because it is so much noise, have a partner who cooks more and does more chores so that he can just focus on his music and craft.  I worry about how different his life will be as we look towards the future.  It has been brought up repeatedly that I should get a wheelchair for the really bad days so that I can get out of the house but I keep refusing because all I see is how awful it will be for him to have to help me in and out, pack it in and out of the car.  Will he be embarrassed?  Will it be a hassle  for him to maneuver around people?  Is it worth the hassle or should I just stay home on those super bad days like I have been doing?


Tim was thinking about how awful it was that I have a body that doesn't do what I want.  How frustrating it is that I have an active brain stuffed into this body that doesn't allow it to be used to it's potential.  How unfair it is that I live each moment in massive pain.  He thinks about the things he should do around the house to make my really bad times easier - like a bathroom totally tiled with a drain in the floor so I can shower without having to step over the tub.  He thinks about what he can do to help because we have a split level.  Will we eventually have to move into a ranch or can he somehow make our home work?


Chronic pain doesn't just affect the person who lives in pain.  It affects the partner and it completely changes the dynamics of the relationship.  It places a burden on Tim to stay in as good of shape as he possibly can (with an extremely demanding work schedule where he is already leaving to be at the school by 7 and often not home until 10) so that if I fall or need carried he can do it.  He has to worry about every doctor visit and every new medication.  Tim and I now think about what if I need a kidney or liver later on due to the medications I have had to be on for pain relief and to function.  What will we do?
  
Dealing with chronic pain changes the worries that I have - will my children and husband be embarrassed by my cane?  Are they embarrassed at how slow I move?  I know it drives the kids nuts to walk so slowly.  I then feel guilty and think that they deserve a Mom who can keep up with them.  I feel so sad that they don't remember when they were young and I had no trouble keeping up with them - running all over the place.  When they think of me do they just think of the things I cannot do? 


These are the emotions we both keep under the surface, safely tucked away under the comforter - the duvet looks beautiful but pull back the comforter and you see the sadness, anger, frustration, hopelessness, helplessness, and fear.  Thankfully, we tackle these emotions together and love each other through it.