Coming Out

Coming out was the best thing I ever did.  No, I am not talking about my sexuality - that is another blog post entirely.  I have spent 6 years trying to be "normal" and cover my illness.  I downplayed surgeries, massive pain and using a cane.  I stayed home when the pain was too much or when I could barely walk so that others wouldn't ask me questions.  All I wanted was to be "normal".  Most of my time away from home wasn't spent at work or kids activities but at the hospital and doctor's appointments trying to find relief.  I did everything they asked.  I tried every surgery, every medication, every treatment and managed in a small town of 2,500 to keep most of this under wraps.  What I didn't realize was that by attempting to be normal, I was killing myself.  Not literally but emotionally.  It is scientifically proven that those who have a strong support system do better.  I knew that and thought I had that but I was fooling myself while trying to fool everyone else.

Last spring, I spoke to a friend's graduate class on chronic illness and the importance of community outreach programs for affected people and the current lack of community programs.  Little did I know that was the start of my coming out.  During budget cuts that were announced last May I got involved in a fundraiser to keep a science enrichment program at my children's school.  I met some great women and men and I began to build trust with them.  Due to my involvement with the science fundraiser,  I joined the PTA as the fundraising chair.  I was still passing as "normal" but taking baby steps towards coming out. That was step 2.

After 4 failed back surgeries last fall I had decided on my own that I was done with invasive procedures as they were not helping and had actually made things worse.  That was step 3 - I wasn't out yet but was getting close.  Things radically sped up in January of this year.  My pain was out of control and no medical interventions were helping.  I went from volunteering and attending school events to being in bed daily.  Finally my doctor made the difficult decision to end the ER/hospitalization/medication roller coaster and say enough.  No more.  It isn't working.  That was my breaking point.  I had to reach out.   I took a huge step of faith in the relationships that I had cultivated in the last year and put out my plea "I can't cook, clean, shower, feed the dog, or take care of my family. I need help".  And I got it.  An abundance of love from people that I never expected.  I began reiki and have been amazed by the relief it has given me in short bursts.  I came out.  I shared my story.  I started a blog.  I decided that the knowledge I had was powerful and I was going to use it.
Since I shed the skin of pretense and allowed people to see me as I am - unshowered, in pain, happy, sad, grumpy, I have been given a gift.  I feel as though an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel better.  Allowing people to care for me and to love me literally has reduced my pain.  (yes, I still feel like a mac truck hit me but it wasn't going 75 this time - just 40)  People do amazing things everyday while in pain and I have proven that for years.  However, with the support of my friends and family, I believe I am going to do some amazing things this year.  My future is so bright I gotta wear shades.