Kids

I have two wonderful children.  A son, Robert, and a daughter, Mary (this is one of my favorite pics of them from 2007).  Thankfully, I had children before I was diagnosed with Chiari or I am not sure I would have been able to have them.  They bring me more joy than I could ever imagine...they have also contributed to a quickening of the sprouting of grey hair, wrinkles, and a severe loss of patience.  I ask you, how difficult is it to remember to put on deoderant?
Though they have the benefit of two parents who love them and shower them with self affirmations and mass amounts of sarcasm, they deal with having a parent with a chronic illness in massive pain everyday.
The headaches began worsening when Mary was 3 and Robert 5.  By the next year, I was exhibiting other symptoms and was diagnosed with chiari.  My children had to face my mortality as I prepared for brain surgery when they were 5 and 7.  Tim and I always stayed positive but honest.  "Is the surgery dangerous?"  "A little but we have the best doctors in the whole world."  We believed that and still do.  "Could Mommy die?"  "All surgeries have risks but Mommy is strong, tough and we have the best doctors in the world."

My children have nerves of steel and extremely compassionate hearts of gold.  It is not what I wanted for their childhood.  I wanted to take them to the park and spend every moment possible playing and laughing.  Far too  many moments were spent asking them to play very quietly so as not to hurt Mom's head.
I carry much guilt over the mother that I am and was.  I look at them - now 11 and 13 - and wonder if they would be different had our lives been different.  Would their life be better?  Would they be happier?  Maybe. Would they be the amazing people who don't judge people based on their physical abilities but on the people they are?    Would they recognize those needing help and reach out?  Maybe not.
I have learned that it is more important to protect their childhood than it is to not out myself.  I wish that I had done it sooner.  Allow me to explain.  They have never missed an opportunity to go and do something because I wasn't feeling well as I would call and get them a ride or make arrangements for them to attend and Tim to bring them home.  However, they have had far too much self sufficiency and responsibility.  I hadn't reached out like I should have to ask people (when Tim was extremely busy) to come over and spend 20 minutes cleaning up the kitchen for us or folding the 5 loads of laundry that I had finished but not had energy to fold.  I think that children should learn self sufficiency - far too many adults don't stand on their own two legs.  However, my children have one childhood and I can ensure that in the next few years, I will be reaching out more and depending on them less - regardless of if they can do it or not.
I know they can do laundry, clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom, vacuum etc. but they shouldn't have to every time I cannot.  Chores are great - filling Mom's shoes; not so much.
Though it has taken years, therapy, crying, screaming, depression and all the other stages one goes through upon knowing they have an incurable illness, I have come to see that there are blessings in having chiari.  I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but I know that myself and my family are better people because of it.