Get on board or GET OUT OF THE WAY

My body and are are having an argument.  Neither of us seems to be winning.  I have hopes, dreams, and plans that I actively try to live out.  I can cope with a bad day here or there - even a few in a row.  Since the beginning of January when my health began to unravel I have tried to be kind to my body and now feel angry that it doesn't seem to be returning the favor.  Today I had plans with 4 people and spent the entire day in bed.  I didn't move, watch television or read.  I meditated and waited for the nausea and pain to pass.  I am still nauseous and in pain but it is less than it was this morning when I literally could not turn my head without an immense wave of pain and nausea overtaking me causing me to focus on my breathing to get through it.

I wish I could explain to my body that I need it to work for me.  I have friends I haven't seen because of the failure of my body to act appropriately.  I have plans and dreams that I cannot implement until I know that my body won't crash for a month as it currently has.

This is the plight that all living with chronic pain have.  Almost everyone I know who lives with it has good times and bad.  Sometimes you have months where you can be "normal" and then suddenly, without warning, the body stops cooperating and the pain, nausea and other symptoms comes crushing back.  These episodes can be a day, week, or months on end.  The problem being that most people don't understand this phenomenon.  How can someone who was doing so much suddenly not be able to take care of the smallest details?

Because no matter how great we are on our best days - we are still sick.  We still have a disease that flares without warning.  That comes to visit for an hour and stays a month.

I am beginning to see my disease like a bad, mooching friend.  Sure you can crash on the sofa for a day and then 2 months later you are wondering how it came to pass that you are doing their laundry and they are eating all your food.  Unfortunately, my analogy only works a little.  A bad friend I could kick out.  The illness I am stuck with.  Somehow I have to make peace and move on.  It would just be easier to do if I didn't have to give up so much in the process.

For my friends who I didn't get to see - I love you and miss you.
For my plans I didn't get to implement - there is always tomorrow and I won't give up.
For my dreams that didn't materialize - don't stop coming to me because someday we will make them happen.