Setting off the alarms

In 2009, I had a neurostimulator implant at Beth Israel in NYC.  Basically, it is a device that sends constant electrical impulses to my brain in order to interrupt the nerves that are sending the pain information to my brain.  I have to say that the outcome of the surgery was a success because I went from being in bed 7 days a week to being up and about 4!  (Minus the last 7 weeks)  It was a very long recovery as I had a huge scar on the back of my neatly shaved head (to add to my chiari decompression scar) as well as 5 tiny scars on my neck and shoulder where they tacked up the wiring and then a 3 inch scar along the top of my right breast where the battery pack is.  The best part?  They considered this out patient surgery and I was left to get medication filled at 7:30 p.m. after having been up since 5.  Tim and I were wandering all over Manhattan to get these meds as we found out that not all Duane & Reade carry the medication I needed.

That is a visual that must cause laughter.  A woman who has the back of her head shaved, tegaderms over gauze wrapped about her head, shoulder and chest, clinging to a orange blanket (Tim had purchased for me in the city) as I was freezing wandering Manhattan trying to get the medication filled that we needed.  To make things even more exciting, the doctor had written the wrong dosage so Tim had to go back to Beth Israel, get to the surgical floor and try to find someone to fix the error at 8 p.m.  As the running around was killing me, he left me with a juice sitting at an deli with people watching me like I was some sort of  exhibit.  I was in a serious amount of pain and we realized that we were not going to make the ferry back to our friend's home in NJ as we had planned on staying there since this was a "minor outpatient" surgery.

So while Tim was trying to break into the surgical floor of Beth Israel since it closed at 7 (I was the last patient to leave), I did what anyone would do - I called my Mom and cried.  Loudly and long.  She miraculously found us a hotel to stay at that wasn't $500 a night and we went there as soon as the medication saga had finished and we had our meds, my blanket and me.  This ended up being almost 10 p.m.  The fun doesn't stop there.  We arrive at the hotel and I am once again stared at like some alien creature.  They give us a key to our room and we ride the elevator up to the 8th floor.  The key doesn't work.  At this point, Tim who never comes unglued begins to come apart at the seams.  He goes and gets the manager who assures us that the key works and we just need to try again.  The manager tries to no avail.  Tim is about to crush the 20 year old night manager and tells him politely but very firmly that we need a room and NOW.  So after another 10 minutes, the manager has returned with a new key to a different room.  Finally around 10:30 I collapse on the bed - never more thankful for being horizontal.

This implant is super cool and when I think about it I feel bionic.  I have 4 electrical lines that run into my brain, 10 feet of wiring and a hermetically sealed battery back that will last for 90 years.  Cool.  I keep hearing the sound effect of the 6 million dollar man whenever I think about my bionic status.

However, there are issues. I cannot have MRI's.  No big deal - CT scans work.  I cannot go through the metal detectors at airports as I will not only set off the one I walk through but all of them.  Oh well, at least I get felt up once in awhile. ;)  The issue that is most problematic is shopping.  Macy's, Kohls, Old Navy, Target - I set off the alarms there and people stare at me like I am some sort of deranged shoplifter using a cane.  At first Tim and I didn't realize what was happening though we had been warned.  Then it became funny and fits of giggling would ensue.  Now, it is just annoying.  No, I am not a shoplifter.  No, my cane is not some sort of device for hiding diamonds and jewels.  No, I swear that I don't have extra clothes underneath what I wore - I am just fat.  Yes, feel free to look through my bags.  No, I am not kidding that I have an implant in my brain (who would joke about such a thing?).  I am always amazed at some of the stupid responses I get when I try to explain what is happening.  Such as "Really?  You have wires in your brain?" "Does your head get hot when you go through the metal detectors?" "Can you send too much power to your brain?" "Does your brain buzz?"

Being bionic is a privilege that I am honored to have.  I love that I have been able to regain some of my life back and each passing month (excluding the last two) brings better things to my life.  However, I could do without some of the questions.  Especially the one that Tim quotes non stop from Christmas Vacation "Do you piss in your pants and forget your name every time you run the microwave?"   Yeah, he is that kind of guy.