Chronic pain spouses

I am sure that it must be difficult to be married to someone in chronic pain.  I wouldn't know as I am the one in chronic pain.  However, Tim assures me that it is.  He doesn't do so in a mean way but we talk about the facts as we see them.  Our marriage always has been a 50/50 marriage since day one.  In the beginning, on any one day, I might do 90% of the work with the kids and house but the next day, he might be doing 90% as I had other commitments.  We don't have (didn't have) jobs/chores that were based on gender.  He can cook, clean, parent just as well as I can and we always embraced everything as a team.  Someone remarked that I called him my partner and not husband.  For me, husband has certain connotations (submission, head of house) and Tim is truly my partner.  He is 50% of me - he is my better half.

Being sick has changed that.  Now, Tim is not not only my better half but often the only half of me I can get to work/function.   I don't take out the trash.  We live in a split level and me carrying heavy things up and down stairs is off limits.  Tim carries the laundry up and down the stairs.  I wash, dry, and fold it but have to rely on him to do the lifting (though I admit to cheating a little on this one...).  I don't wash the dog anymore.  Our 50 pound hound/shepherd mix needs to be physically kept in the tub and I cannot do it.  Heavy pans require Tim to lift them.  Boxes that I used to stack on the top shelf of the closet now sit next to the closet until Tim has time to lift them.  When the kids were younger, if they fell asleep in our bed or on the sofa, I could carry them to bed.  Once I was diagnosed in October 2003, that stopped.  Mary wasn't even 4 yet and Robert had just turned 6 in August.  Thus, the lines of chores became more divided based on the physical requirements.  Tim is doing more than 50%.

I used to love to garden, mow the lawn, prune trees.  I still do some of that but I cannot really do what I used to.  I can't mow the lawn.  I can only prune the little tree branches.  It is now another job of Tim's.  Our marriage isn't 50/50 anymore.  Often it is 70/30 or sometimes it is 98/2%.  Tim may have to cook, do laundry, clean the house and run the kids around on days when my body gives out (not to mention he does work).  I hate those days.  I hate not being able to be his partner.

Thankfully, we communicate well and talk constantly about this.  I have told him many times, "It is okay if you want to go and find someone who can do all the things you can so that you can share your life with someone and not have to take care of them."  He never agrees.  The divorce rate among those with chronic pain is between 75 - 80% depending on the source.  It is not easy to live with pain in the forefront of your lives.  Regardless of whether you love the other person or not.  It is a daily struggle to balance the needs of the individual, the couple, and the family and with each day bringing a different amount of pain it gets exhausting.  For instance, I can have 4 or 5 good days in a row and we all start to get used to that only for me to be back in bed for 3 or 4.  Though we have been through this over and over in 8 years, it still feels like getting hit in the gut when I have to go back to bed after a good streak.

Sometimes, the communication we work so hard on backfires.  Tim will often say (as do I) "tomorrow will be better", or, "we will get through it".  There are moments I want to scream at him - "Easy for you to say!" though I doubt it is.  I live with the guilt of knowing that when we said for better or worse, neither of us could have imagined this.  I know what he thought he was getting - a bassoonist to perform with, a mother for his children, a partner.  Though it breaks my heart, I cannot play the bassoon any longer as it creates too much pressure in my head (any wind instrument does).  I am a mother for his children but not in the way that I want to be nor in the way he wants for me.  I am not his partner....Tim often has to take care of me.  I do not bring 50% to the relationship anymore.

We see why the divorce rates are so high.  If you stop talking and sharing the burdens of being sick together the walls go up and the anger and resentment seep in.  We are determined to never let that happen.  My love for Tim is complete and unending.  The best I can hope for is that he never tires of taking care of me on the bad days and thankfully, he is spontaneous so he never minds changing plans so we can enjoy the good days.  Someone once asked if I would do the same for Tim if the roles were swapped - if he were the sick one.  In a heartbeat.  But it is easy to say that until you walk in it day in and day out.  I would never think less of Tim if he wanted to choose a different path and share his life with someone who could do more than I.  His happiness is as important to me as my own.  Thankfully, he still is here.