Tim's Guest Blog: Thoughts from the Partner

It is often very challenging indeed to be married to someone in chronic pain – watching someone you love dealing with the disappointment of missing out on the important (and seemingly unimportant) events of their life, watching them battle the inevitable depression that accompanies persistent pain, trying to move them away from feeling guilty about how their health negatively impacts your life and your children’s lives, helping them cope with hospitals, doctors, insurance companies, and pharmacists…. Oh, and did I mention the fact that your spouse is constantly in pain!

Shortly after we moved back to Cooperstown (a year-and-a-half after Tamara’s first brain surgery) Tamara read an article that talked about the high percentage of chronic pain folks [you all really need a nickname: Painiacs?] whose marriages collapse. She suffered a major bout of depression after reading this, and we argued a whole heckuva lot about the article. I was just beginning to understand all too well the reality of how difficult living with a chronic pain sufferer might be. But what I’ve discovered – and this is, of course, just me – is that your perspective and approach are what make or break you when it comes to dealing with chronic pain and its impact on your life and your marriage.

…Frustrated that you finally get a night alone with your spouse to go out to dinner, and she can’t leave the bed? Have dinner in bed and watch “Tommy Boy” for the 1000th time. Be sure to laugh at the fat guy in a little coat, and when the rhino comes too close to the car.
…Tired of having to cancel plans at the last minute because of a bad pain day? Teach yourself to relish the the adventure of “I feel okay today… let’s run to Utica and catch a movie and get some shopping done.”
…Angry about the treatment you received at the hands of some doctor? Make up wild stories about his or her incompetence, and laugh at the fact that while you only had to deal with them for a few hours, he or she has to be an asshole all their life!
….Pissed off that she can’t come see “The Lion King” on stage? Give her ticket and the opportunity to the neighborhood kid who might not get to go.
…Saddened by the fact that your loved one is hurting?...Okay, this is really where the Polyanna attitude breaks down.

Personally, I have learned to deal with almost every aspect of my wife’s chronic pain: The anger, the sadness, the guilt, the scheduling and finance headaches: Working together, we (usually) approach these things with humor, with love, and – perhaps most surprising of all – even with some optimism that our situation will improve. I can handle that Tam gets frustrated at me when I handle the medical staff differently than she would. I can take it when I see her over-exerting on her good days to do things like clean the house when I would rather she spend her spoons on herself. I can hold her when the depression hits, or – conversely – stay away from her when she needs a bit of space.

But I can’t stand to see her in pain. I doubt I ever will be able to stand it. I can try to comfort her, I can get her food and medicine, blankets, socks, or t-shirts, heating pad or ice packs, but no amount of positive thinking can get me past the fact that my…wife…hurts…..........bad.

Plain and simple: the way to live with debilitating pain in your family is to respect that it is there, but to not let it run your life entirely. Work around it the best you can – make accommodations for it, but never let it be the determiner of how you live and everything you do. Don’t let the pain replace the spouse that it’s victimizing. 

And if you do find a way to handle seeing them hurt, please let me know.