Determination is like a Frog

Determination is like a frog in my life.  Once I have it in my hands, I can keep it there for awhile.  It might pee on me but it isn't anything that a little soap and water can't fix.  However, when I am needing determination and am lunging towards it, it constantly evades me.  Hopping faster away from me that I can chase.

I never used to have a problem being determined but being in pain changes the perspective with which I look and do everything.  I want to practice yoga 3 - 5 times a week.  I wake up and look for determination to get out of bed, get over the pain and get going.  It sits on the edge of the bed taunting me.  By the time I lunge for it, the damn thing has hopped off towards the door.  I get up and lumber after it only to watch it hop casually away.  The anger and frustration begin and the pain that I woke up feeling seems to overtake the desire to do yoga.


However, on days that others are expecting or needing me, I often can find that determination.  I think it is the fear of letting others down or the fear of being judged as "not capable" that allows me to capture the determination needed for that day.  Once I have it I can go for a few hours and accomplish much.  Though I suppose the question then is am I accomplishing much because I fear what others will think of me or because I am stubborn and determined?

My friends and family would all describe me as stubborn.  A trait that for the most part, I am proud of.  However, if I were so stubborn wouldn't I be able to overcome the pain and depression on those tough days and get the yoga mat out and go to town?  Wouldn't I be able to ride the recumbent bike for just 7 minutes?  Why cannot I use my determination for myself but only for others?

The days that I am in pain are the worst and after all these years I know it isn't the pain that bothers me as much as the not accomplishing anything.  I am always happiest working - whether that be a job, volunteering, playing with my kids, helping a friend, gardening, cleaning (I love cleaning - seriously I do), working on the house.  I struggle to understand why on the painful days those things which make me so happy are not enough motivation or determination to ignore the pain and push onward.

As I struggle with finding a balance between doing too much now that my pain is down to a 6, I find that the issue of determination is one that is more at the forefront of my thoughts than ever before.  It is almost as if I have become obsessed with doing things.  Too many days, weeks, months, and years I spent in bed in horrific pain.  It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world to overcome pain that is only a 6...I have lived with so much worse.

Determination is my frog and perhaps we just need to spend some time together, eat some flies, and decide how to be friends.  After all, Kermit is a frog and I love him...